Stupid bears...

Sunday, 29 April 2012

You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round have to go through it. So what the hell happens if you go through it and end up further back then where you began? Well, the initial reaction is to say "This is bloody unfair", it just fuels the monster, inside it roars with pleasure, applauds you for losing weight, but still kicks you for being so frivolous, weak, such a disappointment and eating. "You dodged a bullet there" it hisses "but you won't be so lucky next time". It is not only the monster that is attacking, you visibly see everyone in the room slump, disappointment pasted across my mother's face, the guilt is overwhelming. I hate upsetting everyone, but I cannot win. If I lose, upset, if I gain, attack. I suppose I just need to bare in mind that either way it will be painful, so I might as well bite the damn bullet and go down the least dangerous path. I will not let the anorexia cause my death, lead me to a wheelchair, wound my family and friends. It is difficult, close to impossible however, when I come to this conclusion, do what I need to do and it does not pay off. It just means I have to eat more, which is never easy, but it has to be done. As my dear friend pointed out, many people would love to be in my position, eating ice-cream, hot chocolate, constant carbs and losing weight, but not me, because I am not allowed to lose any more weight. The more I lose, the closer I get to being sent back to Vincent Square. The thought of ending up as an inpatient once again haunts me, I wake up at night terrified, just at the thought. I am trying to run as far away from that place as I can. As my therapist pointed out I am getting dangerously close once again. My BMI is back below 15, below 15 means critical. It is dangerous, she pointed out, for me to not be in hospital. I was planning to go away, have a break, we were looking at New York, New Zealand, now nothing, I am not allowed to fly, it is too dangerous. I hate that I am back here, being held back by the bitch, even though I am trying. It's just so unfair. All I can do is keep on trying and I will. I am determined to go and see my new little nephews and to beat this.

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