We Did It!

"The sudden comprehension that you are not in control. You are its ship, once strong and fearless and headed for new and beautiful lands, now delicate and beaten. No more voyages for you my friend. The captain has driven you through too many dangerous seas for such a fragile vessel. Keep going and together you will be sunk. Dilapidated. There is no glamour once you are here. You are a we. One of a pair. Controlled by another. She befriends you slyly, like any good friend makes you feel you can trust her, makes you feel safe. Then convinces you she can make things better. You believe your beautiful heroine. Feeding off the pain of starvation she thrives, while you empty. Hollow. ‘Organs, muscles and bones’ the nice doctor says, ‘that’s all that’s left’. By this stage it’s too late for me. I have been snared. She is feasting on the heart that was once strong enough to love so many fiercely, the muscles I need to run away and the bones that are my ironic trophy, on display for all to see. I let her gorge as I wither. No choice anymore. That was the first thing she stole when she caught me. Freedom." 2012 

Graduation, a time to reflect on the past few years and take a moment to appreciate the journey. For me, it has been colossal. Rewind 4 and a half years. A ghost on a hospital wing that had become home who wanted nothing more than to shrink away to nothingness, holding onto her cage of bones for dear life. At this point I was told that I would no longer be treated for 'recovery', the hospital would bring me in when they needed to prevent loss of life. In general terms, they'd given up on me recovering and condemned me to a life of anorexia.

Today, I graduated from drama school surrounded by more love, fuelled with determination (and good food) and carving a life to be proud of.
I write all this not to brag, but because still the most commonly asked question I am sent is 'how did you do it?' I've dipped my toes in the pool of death and come close to slipping in. I've watched the waters ripple beneath me and considered that actually, they may be soothing in comparison to the burning abuse my head liked to throw at me. I've taken my body to the brink and starved it into such emaciation that even lying in bed was painful. But I rose. I've written and spoken on the subject extensively, but it's still the burning question from sufferers and those who love them. My answer as to how I got to a place where I could walk across a stage beaming and accept a diploma... I wish I could say it's easy, I wish I could say there's a magic cure or that one day you will wake up better. It's none of these things. In reality it took hard work that felt like torture a lot of the time. Imagine being told you have to do the thing that frightens you more than anything 6 times a day until you become a person you no longer recognise, that throughout this ordeal you will have someone screaming at you, telling you you're not good enough, telling you you're ugly, telling you you're worthless, telling you that if you are not the skinniest girl in any room then you've failed. In reality the process of recovery was pretty shit, BUT the constant that got me through all of this was the fact that whilst rebuilding my body and learning to eat again, I rebuilt a life I am proud of and filled it with things I love and people who make me feel loved. (Also I'm pretty sure that a consultant telling me I'm not going to get better was a large part of it, tell a stubborn high achiever that she can't do something and she'll be back doing it whilst standing on her hands with her eyes closed).

Was it worth it? Yes. There are of course moments where I flutter my hands over my hip bones, expecting to be met by the comfort of their protrusion, only to find I am lacking. But these are fewer than they were. I have wobbled this year, I won't deny that. Grief and responsibility took their unexpected toll and creating a cage of bones to numb it all for a moment seemed to be a better plan. I took another road though. I worked harder on me. I booked more theatre tickets. I made sure I spent as much time as I could doing what I love with people I love. I opened up to a select handful about what was going on, aware that they would catch me if I needed. I worked harder in rehearsals. I found comfort in moving my body from a place of love as oppose to hate. I basically found a way to dance around the rabbit hole instead of falling straight back down again. That way was living a life I love. I saw all of this not because I feel anorexia made me special or unique. One of my favourite phrases at the moment is 'we all have our drama', by this I mean we all have our things to deal with, but we cannot let them overcome us or use them as an excuse to fail or be a lesser human.

I am now onto another chapter. From leaving hospital, announcing that I'd got a place on an MT course, losing weight and having to watch dance classes, eating so I could be back up there, moving onto contemporary theatre, being given the opportunity to develop my writing with guidance from the National Theatre and finally finding the final stage of my training at Drama Studio, it's been a journey. Along the way I've found humans who will be part of my life forever, I'm about to start a theatre company with one of them, travel with others and hopefully take the stage and screen with as many of them as possible. It's been a journey of love and drama. It's been the making of me. It has transformed my from the scared little girl who was told she would probably never get better to a woman who has woven a tapestry so rich with adventure, love, creativity and laughter I don't know how to begin. Amongst the golden threads are the bad days, the troubling moments, the grief and the worry that I am not enough BUT without these moments of imperfection, how would we ever know the moments of sheer joy? It has been the mess that's allowed the beauty. The burns that have allowed fiery creation. An uncertain future once seemed the most terrifying mountain to climb, but I am excited for all that's ahead and all those I will travel this journey with. In the words of Elle Woods *we did it*. And if I can, anyone can. You've just got to be willing to fight hard and continue to rise.