(but actually not at all)
Get up at 5:30am, healthy vegan breakfast, get to an exercise class that looks so hard I might die, get a photo, go to castings, work, more healthy food, writing, creating, more exercise, charity something, drinks somewhere really nice (but your cocktail is still green and looks like it has more nutrients in it than my dinner), home, yoga with candles, time with hot topless housemate and best friend DONE.
A well meaning friend recently summarised my life as such, in a joking, loving, ‘you’re ridiculous’ kinda of way (I hope!) But is this the unreal reality that I’m striving to portray? Because, well, that’s most DEFINITELY not where I am or how I feel, in fact, felt a little at sea without a paddle as of late…there, I admitted it.
I spend time looking at perfect humans managing to do all the things and wondering…why am I just not measuring up? This isn’t a new narrative, we are all aware (unless you literally live under a rock) of the ridiculous amount of time we spend on social media and how that is effecting our mental health, political choices, food choices (you name it, it effects it). And I’m not against social media, don’t get me wrong, but I mean, it sure as hell feeds into the endless quest to reach stratospheric ideals of perfection I already set myself. And I know I am not the only one. This last week I’ve seen people I really respect who to my eyes TOTALLY have their shit together question themselves and whether they can do anything. To me this is mind boggling. They said it and my mouth literally opened like a codfish in shock. To me these were wonder women, but we all feel it. Society has set the benchmark at perfection and part of the deal is that we are There’s definitely been a change, people admitting they aren’t perfect all the time, but where’s the evidence?!
So it was as I was walking around London with Ebs yesterday (she’s the only one I’ve asked to mention so the only one who will be named!) that we both acknowledged that we are actually walking disasters a lot of the time and that’s kinda okay. Ebs had a bit of an existential ‘will I ever we successful or will I live with my grandmother for the rest of my life?’ crisis a couple of weeks back (for more info, read HER blog – I got ya girl), truth is, these aren’t uncommon, we all get them ESPECAILLY ACTORS who have no idea of when we will get our next job or where it will be or if we will ever work again…fantastic.
So, to go back to my day to day, I very much wish I WERE Wonder Woman. I try to do all the things. I am constantly striving for a level of perfection that is totally unobtainable. I want to be the woman in my photos. And I am, sometimes. Sometimes I feel I am totally smashing it. Other nights Ross comes home to find me crying on the floor surrounded by washing and basically puts me to bed and brings me vegan ice cream. The amount of messages he’s got this week to ask when he’s home because I’m feeling a bit rubbish, I’m freaking about my career, a boy, my body is absurd. I seem to be on a constant cycle atm of go go go BURN OUT, get sick (and like really quite sick), cry a lot, have to totally stop and reset, then start again. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY, but it’s not uncommon. Last week I hit burnout. This week I’m trying to make better choices and to learn to do it all FOR ME. So here is what I’m trying to remember:
1. It’s okay to say ‘no’ and you don’t always have to explain yourself.
2. Treat yourself as a highly value item, you set your ticket price. You can be the shiniest diamond in the World, but people will take advantage of a bargain
3. Listen to your body and workout as it wants. I LOVE the sessions I go too and have very much found training that works for me, it’s varied from Barrys to Salsa to Jazz to Lagree, but it makes ME HAPPY. You wouldn’t catch me spinning. EVER.
4. It’s okay not to be okay, I wrote a whole post on this before and I will continue to try and remember it. You don’t always have to be the strong one. You cannot always fix everything. For me particularly it’s important to keep on talking about it. Admitting I’m actually feeling really negative about my body does not mean I’m relapsing into anorexia, it simply means it’s a bad moment/day/week. Pushing yourself to breaking point means you’re good for nothing!
5. The people who are there for the moments you’re a little bit less sparkly as well as the moments everything’s going BEAUTIFULLY are the people you need around. We all need the friends who bring home vegan ice cream and tell you you’re golden.
6. Most of us are a little bit lost, adulting is hard and we don’t have to always be as good as our edited highlights. Opening up those conversations and realising your best friends feel like shit shows too means you can all laugh through it together and run away screaming, arms flailing in unison.
7. Coffee helps...always.
8. ‘It’s a marathon, not a sprint’ – Jon ALWAYS says this to me and although it makes me want to kill him and although I always tell him that actually I’m way better at sprinting, he’s got a point. Achieving all the things, whatever that looks like to you, is going to take time. Hard work pays off. And if you really like sprinting then do a little Fartlek with life and sprint when you can, but realise if you sprinted all of it you’d miss the views.
We got this, and even if we don’t, we can all flail our arms and scream in unison. (This is actually how Ebs and I have coped thus far and it seems to work pretty well…just saying).
