Can't go over it, can't go under it, have to go through it...

In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was going to get out again . .There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked, and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out again.
Lewis Carroll

Like Alice, when you first fall, you give no thought to how the hell you are going to scramble out. The deeper you get, the more difficult it becomes. Sadly, for most, it takes hitting the bottom and realising Wonderland is really not where you want to be. To get out though, you've got to face it...my dietician, Tom, uses the analogy of a forest. On one side of this forest is doom, gloom and destruction i.e, hospital, wheelchair, misery and death (he paints a jolly picture!) On the other side of this forest is everything I want, a family, a good uni degree, a beautiful house, a successful career, to be happy, my friends etc etc (I don't have high expectations AT ALL?!) But...the forest in between looks pretty damn scary. It's dark and thick with trees and I cannot see what's ahead. It seems easier to stay on the side of the forest I am (doom gloom and destruction), because doom gloom and destruction looks ok at the moment, (it's all painted pretty and pink or something, I don't know, but it's disguised). So, i've got a choice, either I venture into the dark and scary forest, which i'm pretty sure is full of huge scary grizzly bears, ready to eat me, or I stay put and just hope for the best. Recovery is starting through the forest, venturing through Wonderland, and facing my fears. It seems terrifying, every step, every bite, I am on edge, what will I have to face? Tom says there aren't really any bears, I just think there are, I am not convinced. Anorexia is peculiar. It manages to convince you that if you eat and gain weight, you will be in great danger, that you will die, so you become terrified of food. The reality is this fear of food it what is going to kill you. Just like eating will not kill me, neither will the bears. And anyway, Tom says if there are any bears, he'll be in the forest with a huge shotgun, nice to know my dietician's got my back!

So, I have taken my first few steps into the forest after realising Wonderland is not quite as rosy as it looked. I am still pretty on edge, looking over my shoulder at every little sound I hear. I am lucky though, because i've got my friends and family to drag me through the dark scary place, and I know they will take on any bears. The only problem is, i've entered the forest and the other side has got bloody further away. I've been eating what feels like monstrous amounts to me. Piling in the porridge, potatoes, noodles, I have even been eating chocolate fingers (i've gotta admit, although I was pretty convinced the chocolate fingers would kill me and were plotting against me, they're pretty damn delicious). So, after all this fear facing, after donning my ninja gear and taking down the bears, wolves, whatever the hell the anorexic bitch puts in my path I jump on the scales, absolutely quaking in my boots that I am going to be the 50 ton woman and low and behold...I HAVE LOST WEIGHT. The physically impossible has happened. I literally see mum slump and I cannot believe it. "You're gonna need more" Tom says. So more there was. More chocolate fingers, more potatoes, more porridge, more milky coffees, hell, i've even had white hot chocolates and chocolate mousse. So, what next?! Tomorrow I will find out. Yet again, I am terrified. I am dreading getting on the scales and seeing some monstrous number (i.e a HUGE grizzly bear with fangs and sharp claws...that can also breathe fire), but hey, i've just got to remember, the grizzly bear is actually pretty cute and cuddly, if you just give it a chance. The other side of this forest is bright, and i've got to keep going. If not for me, then for everyone I care about.

I remember, as a child I used to love the book "we're going on a bear hunt", it had a pretty good line- "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go round it...OH NO! We'll have to go through it!" Sadly, recovery is the same, I just wish there were some way to get round it.

I will update tomorrow after the weigh in and such. One step closer to that other side...

I'd also like to say thank you so so much to those who have offered to sponsor me for the 'pound for a pound' idea. It means so much to have your support, I visualise the good I can do if I get to my target weight before I get on the scales and it really helps keep me a little calmer. If you would like to pledge, even if you can only spare a penny a pound, please email me on 'mayapillay@hotmail.co.uk'. Not a conventional sponsorship idea, I know, but it truly is going to two amazing charities (see below).

Thanks again,

Maya

p.s. Sorry for not writing for SO long. I have had an astounding amount of uni work, so have been running around like a headless chicken all Easter getting it sorted!