Thawing

Thursday 28 July 2016

I think I am...
okay now.

Right?

Sort of.

I still cry.

Quite a bit really.

I will look in the mirror and then turn back 2 minutes later and see something totally different.

Weird.

But...okay.

Some moments I am so scared that I feel I am shattered.

I want to be held. 

Tight.

Keep me together.

When you do and I feel safe it's...

Magic.

But I will never ask.

Anyone.

Because I'm okay now.

Right?

Right?

That's a lie.

There have been days.

Hours.

Times.

Moments when all the sparkle is gone and it's all black and white again and she's screaming.

You're too big.

Out of control.

Fat.

Ugly.

Worthless.

But now I know what to do.

I shout to those who saw me when I almost drowned.

Who dragged me from the depths and created life rafts out of love.

Help.

And they respond. 
Simple words. 
Kind touches. 
They know I'm not just calling for praise and compliments on my body.
They know what happened before.

They know it can't happen again.

They lift me above the waves until the danger has passed.

And then I'm paddling.

And it's okay.

I'm okay now.

Not everyone believes that.

Fair. 
Not quite okay. 
Still a bit of a flight risk. 
Exciting? 
No one likes a boring girl. 
To be fair, I'm keeping my head above at the moment, even as the tempests roar. 
I am...living.

Most of the time.

No longer and empty husk of regret and obsession.

I hold pride in my strength.

Sometimes.

I feel guilty for that pride.

Fat.

Ugly.

Worthless.

Proud of that?

But I can say that I am alive.

I laugh.

A lot.

I dance.

Too much.

I run.

I stop running. 
I lie in the sun and bask in the glory of its warmth. 
I sweat
Gross. 
But it's fucking great. 
I didn't do that before. 
I shivered constantly. 
Goosebumps. 
Cold. 
Toxic. 
Maybe. 
There's part of your legacy. 
But...
I am working on it. 
I just wish it didn't hurt those who try and keep me a light.  
I'm sorry. 
I still feel for the security of my bones. 
But I'm okay. 
Right? 
I think I want to fall in love again. 
With life. 
With me. 
With...
Sometime. 
But for now....
I'm thawing. 
And that's. 
Okay. 

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