Dragonfly, Gatsby And love and strength to those struggling

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

I've dipped my toes in the pool of death and come close to slipping in. I've watched the waters ripple beneath me and considered that actually, they may be soothing in comparison to the burning abuse my head liked to throw at me. I've taken my body to the brink and starved it into such emaciation that even lying in bed was painful. I feel slightly as if I've robbed myself of 5 years of life, I shuffled through, avoiding the blurred edges, reality seemed distant. I've been rushed to a&e in the middle of the night, I've spent months on hospital wards, I've spent more hours than I care to consider crying over what I saw as my fat and ugly self. Now I see the same in those I have met upon my journey. I see wonderful young men and women, who I've not only cried over a muller corner in front of, but also laughed hysterically along side. Those who have so much to give to this World, who are vivacious and bright, but who are held back by anorexia and I cannot help but question, why? I've fought hard to get to where I am, I've been dragged through by those who love me. Still though I am riddled with self doubt. Outwardly and to those who only perhaps know me from a far, through social media or just as acquaintances, I am a confident young woman. Some times I am. It's true. And I'm happy to admit that. There's a dangerous trend in society to not embrace and be proud of the aspects of ourselves that are good, we are more than happy to slag ourselves off, but outwardly saying "I'm quite happy with what I've achieved?!" GOD FORBID. Truthfully, I only feel this pride around 5% of the time. A lot of the time, I am still consumed by self doubt and criticism. I get anxious before parties. I second guess my actions. I drive those close to me insane if I'm interested in a guy or considering auditioning for something with my go to response to them saying "just go for it you fucking idiot"..."but, I can't". "WHY?!" They will say. (Sam feels particular despair over this). "Because they will probably think I'm weird and laugh at me". Fear of rejection I suppose. Fear of not being enough. The assumption that I cannot actually be attractive. Now, these are not characteristics I will only attribute to those who have at some stage struggled with anorexia or another eating disorder. I suspect they are emotions most people struggle with, but from what I've observed, the feeling of not being enough is something that is particularly prominent in those with anorexia. It's a great irony really, as society often views it as an illness of vain silly girls, when in reality, no one who felt good about themselves and believed they were wonderful would starve themselves to near death. It takes a lot of negative energy and bad thoughts to get into such a state, I'm telling you. We are often good at covering that, I know I was always very good at smiling and saying it was all fine. Before I admitted there was a problem, whenever I was questioned I'd simply say the weight was "falling off me". Those close to me knew there was something very wrong, but even my own mother said it was difficult to know what to do as I became so distant that she herself thought perhaps I was embarrassed of her. This couldn't have been further from the truth. I was prickly because I was ashamed of myself. I was distant because I was consumed by self hatred and the driving desire to lose more weight. My heart hurts to see those I've known back in hospital, hurting themselves, so very unwell. It makes me sad for many reasons, but one of the main ones is that I know the mental trauma their brains are dishing out. I know they are engulfed by beliefs that they don't matter, that they're ugly, that no one likes them, that it would be better if they just disappeared. I don't understand it. Why do we feel like this? What drives us to yearn to disappear. Why is it we choose this medium of torture? It's all important. No one really knows. Anorexia and eating disorders are in reality, quite unknown entities. We know that starvation makes us crazier, but there's not really any direct idea of how to treat it. There are lots of different strands of thought. Anorexia is still the biggest killer among mental illness. This terrifies me. I laugh at the crazy things I've done over the past few years, but I'm lucky to be able to laugh. It is for this reason that I've chosen "Charlottes Helix" as the beneficiary for my trust "The Dragonfly Foundations" first event. Charlottes Helix is working to crack the DNA code of anorexia in the hope that a further understanding will help us understand and be better placed to treat and prevent eating disorders. Through this all I've tried to understand. I've met doctors, models, social workers, mothers, brothers, a whole host of people from all walks of life with eating disorders. Those who appear to have everything going for them, who are intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, sometimes all of the above, and they are riddled with self hatred and slowly and painfully committing suicide. It's a mystery to me. This research could change some of that. And it's vital. There is currently no government funding so our donation will really make a difference. As well as this, id really like Dragonflies first event to be a fucking great celebration of life. Expect a good party. So, what's the deal? I'm not asking you to just hand over your money. I'm asking you to grab a ticket, get dressed so you look ready for a 20s cocktail party and head to our speakeasy to dance and drink all in aid of a fantastic cause. We have a brilliant 8 piece band and DJ due to our exciting collaboration with Itchy Feet to bring the night together. http://www.edgehillgroup.uk/#!house-band/c1ak8

It's a no brainer really, a great party AND its all for a great cause. Tickets are now on sale, for our initial release price of £35. This is soon to go up to £40, so get in there quick using the link below. Can't wait to see you there. Let's have a great night and do a great thing 

Maya xxx

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