New Year, New Start

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” 
― Oprah Winfrey

So here we all are, 2014, we made it! It was looking a bit touch and go at points, a year that was most definitely sent to try me. It had moments of greatness, of course, but on the whole, I really have been tested. I'm not entirely sure yet if it was worth it, considering quite how tough it's been, I've had moments of hopelessness, sheer terror, absolute devastation and extreme loneliness. Many of these experiences, in fact, I could argue all, have been of my own making. I am the creator of my own demise, and that, makes it all seem a hell of a lot worse. In 2013 I became far more neglectful of my friends, I let anorexia kill relationships, I broke my own heart, I continued to abuse the hell out of my body, I pushed my family to the limits, I became selfish. All in all, 2013 was not a year I will look back on fondly, nor with pride. I am far more likely to remember it as the year I truly fucked up and came far closer to being the monster that is anorexia. To clarify, I spent far more time in the mind of my Edward Hyde than Dr Jekyll. And you know what, the life of a monster is not a pleasant one, for who can truly love a monster? A monster who despises themselves and is bitter towards the World. Who cries for her broken heart and mourns the life she threw away? Who rips and tares and destroys all that dares to get too close. For such a small person, I am dangerous and far too capable of destruction. I am riddled with regrets and self loathing. But with the new year approaching, I decided it was time for change. I resolved to make this year better than the last. To ensure that things improved, even if only slightly, because quite frankly, I'm not so sure I can battle through another year like 2013. My resolution must not, under any circumstance, follow the path that most do. It will be a success, I am not wishing for a miraculous epiphany, just some progress. Some joy. I hope that in 2014 I will measure myself by my smiles, laughs, my strength and love, not evaluate my worth by the number on the scales. I hope to keep fighting the illness and to show myself and others more love and compassion. I hope to be able to use the time before I restart university to maybe travel a bit, work, catch up on life as much as I can. For I am tired of being the girl left at home, bundled up in my duvet 'cos I am so damn cold, even when the weather outside is warm and humid. I no longer want to be shivering alone in my bed, or left in a hospital ward, I want to be a young woman who is out dancing, laughing, drinking. Who has moments of elation and times of love, but who also has hours of sadness and hardship, for without the shit, how will I know when times are good? I want to be a loyal and supportive friend, not a chore to be pitied and worried over, I want to go out and feel sexy, not fat or emaciated, just enjoy the gentle buzz of confidence that alcohol can create. I started the new year as the Maya of a few years ago would've. I went out and drank too much and had a hell of a good night. And it felt wonderful. Anorexia was quelled for a large part of the evening. But sadly, I woke up the next morning despising myself and manically performing my bodily checks to evaluate the damage the previous nights festivities had done. Was my pubis bone still prominent, did the xylophone of my ribs still include the same number of notes, did my spine still protrude? I am stuck between 2 minds, one that wants to live and the other that wishes to destroy me. The destructor hisses the same resolutions many make at the start of a new year to me…"I will lose weight, eat less, exercise more" The 3 most popular resolutions every year. They haunt me and surround me. Taunting anorexia and tempting the beast with the shiny allure society paints them with. So, the fight goes on, this happy new year and I am committed 100% to ensuring it is the resolutions of Maya, not anorexia, that take pride of place at the forefront of my mind.

Happy new year all- this year resolve to make positive changes that don't continue the cycle of self loathing and misery! Health and happiness, and love of yourself. Even the bits you see as your worst.

As promised, shout out to Finlay, a fellow nutter on the ward!