Not here again...

Friday, 14 December 2012

I am trapped in a corner, a cowering animal running from what feels like the inevitable slaughter. Sacrifice the weak. I am most definitely weak, or I would not be in this situation. Today the call came, as I think part of me knew it would "We are highly concerned" they said "No longer medically safe", "high risk of organ failure" all together equals "we want you to come in next week, a bed will be ready, and we will monitor you heavily up until then". I went cold, my entire body shaking. It seems ridiculous, I got myself into this position, I knew it was coming, especially after my weigh in yesterday. My weight is the lowest it was been, even I was shocked as I climbed onto the scales and the number flashed in front of me. A BMI of 13.2 is not good. How have I lost so much weight so quickly? I do not know, I couldn't answer it for you, all I know is that I am drowning. So what am I doing? I am determined to turn it around before they drag me in. I cannot spend Christmas on the ward, I can't think of anything worse than that. Eating the slop they serve. I asked mum to hold my hand and I said I needed to prove to them that I can do it and that i'm safe, from home my blood pressure, blood sugar and temperature can be monitored. Blood tests every two days and re-feeding. How awful does that sound 're-feeding', it just screams of the brutal images of suffragettes with tubes down their throats to me. I can promise you though, re-feeding at home is a hell of a lot better than in Vincent Square. At least from home I can have delicious food, as oppose to hospital food. So what did I do to prove my strength...we went to Carluccios. I ordered pasta. Pasta with butter and mushrooms and herbs. We asked for a kids portion yet when it came it was terrifying. To me it looked huge, beautifully cut ribbons glistening with butter and sprinkled with golden mushrooms and chives. Bite by bite I ate. Slow. Painful. Each mouthful was painful, but I pictured the ward. I pictured Christmas. I pictured my friends, boyfriend, family and for them I ate. Anorexia has taken so much from me, I have had to defer this year at university, I have not been able to move out, I am not Maya. I am not full of life, vivacious and happy. I rarely laugh like I used to. It came in and pillaged and I opened the door. But now I must try, so so hard, to prove to them that I CAN turn this around. I can. I can. I can.

Any words of advice would be appreciated. 
Something to stick up in the kitchen as we prepare food.
I must keep going and hopefully keep out of hospital.


  1. I want you to know how inspirational you are. You are a role model for me and many others who fight our demons in the face of adversity.
    Every time you win, we win. Remember that.

    You draw parallels between you and the suffragettes, and in some ways you are right. You are representing the fight that many others are also involved with. But when you advance, when you push that rock forward, we all move forward with you. It is much stronger than a single peson.

    And if you ever question why you are doing this, think to yourself:

    " I've got a lot more to give to this world, and I'll be damned if something like this is going to get in my way "

    Keep writing - it's healthy!

  2. This post is so upsetting and I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now.
    My advice would be, when preparing food or trying to eat.. Do it always with someone who you love/care about, then eat with them. As long as you trust them I think sometimes it is good to eat with someone and chat (if you can) whilst eating as it takes away from the dauntingness and fear. Also pictures/things to put up when preparing food, I'd day a list of things you want to do when FREE from anorexia, instead of looking at everything it has taken from you which I'm sure is a hell of a lot, that will just be more upsetting, but if you look towards the future and the life ahead of you unencumbered by anorexia and think of all the dreams you want to pursue, think of those while eating/making food. Remember that food is not the enemy, anorexia is. That you have the strength to fight this no matter what. I'm sure you've heard all of this before but I hope that what I said helps,thinking of you! Stay strong. xxx


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