Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Three days ago, it was my darling Hollie's birthday. It has become a tradition to me, as well as (I think) to my friends, that a birthday, means Maya bakes a cake or cupcakes. Hollie was back from Brighton, so I set to work. I chose red velvets. I bake so much, it's got to the stage where I don't even have to measure out half the ingredients, knowing by instinct. I mixed, sieved, creamed together all the ingredients in my new kitchen aid (my Christmas present, i've desperately wanted one for years). The mixture was perfectly red, I spooned it out into the cupcake cases. When they were done, I carefully piped my icing on to them. Sprinkled over my edible glitter. Perched Hollie related things on top. I lay them out and just looked at them. Then I cried. I cried because I had no idea if any of it tasted good. I can't taste as I cook as I used to. I cried because I knew I couldn't sit with Hollie and enjoy them. I cried because I couldn't take her out for dinner as we always used to on birthdays. And I cried because we couldn't toast the day with her family and cocktails, as we always would. Anorexia has stolen all of that. The cupcakes in front of me were my feeble attempt to achieve some sense of birthday for Hollie, although it was all wrong. I could not even celebrate on of my best friend's birthday's properly. Only give her the material to celebrate with others. It completely baffles me. I hate anorexia more than anything in this World. It is abhorrent, foul and destructive, yet I cannot fully rid myself of it. Still I look in the mirror and cry over what I see. A swollen stomach, the curve of my hips, my padded thighs and it is then, when I am feeling weak and demoralized, that it again curls itself around me, cooing that it knows how to make things better. Every time I am upset, every time I am stressed, every time something goes wrong, it is there, whispering that it knows the solution. "You will feel better if you don't eat". I know this is a lie. It used to feel so good to sit and enjoy meals with my friends and family. Eating should be a joy, and I am terrified I will never properly have this pleasure again. That anorexia will stay on my shoulder, that even if I get enough control to eat properly again, it will always be there, telling me I am greedy, weak and a fool. Creating guilt with every mouthful. I am determined that I will enjoy food again. That it will be a pleasure, and not a struggle. A lovely friend showed me this video, we are both fighting and she knew I would love it. I've got to say, i'm not so sure of the way they have recorded it, but the writing and message is poignant and true.
I will write again properly soon! Time to get on with some work!

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