When I was
first told how much I’d need to gain to be deemed ‘healthy’, I remember
thinking that they were the insane ones. Today, I sit, over 20 kilos heavier
than the waif that sat crying over every morsel of food, whose heart beat
dangerously slow, who was fragile as a China doll. I am not always comfortable
with where I am, I am not always kind to my body, but recently, as I agonised
over parts of my body my brain still likes to abuse me over, a friend simply
said to me “Stop-you’re better than that”. He’s right. I am. Everyone deserves
more than self hatred and mental abuse. Everyone deserves to nourish their
bodies and feed their souls. So, here are 20 things I gained, that weren’t just
the kilos, because ‘I’m better than that’:
1. Empathy- I
refused to admit this at the time, I claimed I was just the same, still able to
be there for my friends. I was better than many sufferers of anorexia in the
sense that I still considered my friends and how they felt, but I was so
starved and preoccupied with the body that I saw as too big, I was unable to
truly be a friend. To understand others struggles. Now I take pride in the fact
my friends can rely on me and that it’s back to being a 2 way thing.
2. Laughter-No
longer hollow, sometimes so fierce my stomach aches, it comes often and is
something no one should take for granted. A few nights ago I sat with my girls
and laughed so hard that I felt i'd done an intense ab workout, all whilst sitting at the table eating pancakes. A far cry from the girl who hid potatoes in her pockets and cried if I had to eat sweetcorn instead of green beans...
3. Career- For
quite a while, I think there was some fear this would be it. I would be a
professional anorexic, constantly in and out of hospital. Now, I have a career
I love.
4. Ambition-I
plan to succeed, anorexia will not hold me back, I work hard and I get the results.
My friends joke that I never do things by halves, if I was gonna get thin, id
get really thin. Same goes for my career and life, I am determined to be
successful…like, really successful.
5. Heart- Start
with an obvious one, I don’t just mean love or all that a heart symbolises, I
also mean the physical gain. Anorexia physically shrunk my heart and feeding my
body helped it get stronger. I used to lie in bed and feel it beating beneath
the cage of bones that was slowly dwindling, now it is strong and healthy.
6. Friendships-
I constantly say it, but I have some of the best friends I know. I have changed
indescribably over the past few years. I am no longer willing to let negative
energies bring me down. I am proud of my friends and I try to tell them often.
7. Energy-The
girl who once ran on starvation and self loathing now has the energy to achieve
far more important things.
8. Clarity- I
see things differently, I know how I expect to be treated, I know what I look
for in friends.
9. Fun- Nights
out, dinners, cosy nights with a movie, the list goes on. Anorexia gave me none
of this, I hollowed not just my stomach, but also my life.
10. Adventures-Being
locked up in hospital with your only focus food and weight is not fun. Going on
holiday and having everyone manically planning how and what you will eat prior
to departure is not fun. Booking a trip to Bali, exploring the Cornish
countryside on a whim, planning an adventure to Morocco, that is fun.
11. Responsibility-
I’m not gonna go into this one, other than to say a few days ago my mother sent
me a message that said “I’m so glad I have such a strong woman as a daughter to
help us all at times like this”.
12. Freedom- There
is no freedom in the midst of anorexia, you are trapped in a cage that people
think is of your making. With every kilo, I gained an escape route.
13. Perspective-
I see things differently. Life, to me, is about trying to enjoy it. Working
towards goals. I appreciate the small moments, as for a while I thought I’d had
my last.
14. Assertiveness-
This is a big one and something I really had to learn. I’m still not there
fully (I remember that fun assertiveness scale), but I am so much closer. I
will say when something’s ‘not okay’ and I will stand up for myself.
15. Risk- This
is one that I actually don’t think I would have the same sense of if it weren’t
for getting sick. Prior to anorexia I felt very much like my life had to follow
a trajectory-school, uni, good job, marriage, kids. I still feel these
pressures, however, I also know what I want from my life and what a good job
looks like to me. Running away to Barcelona (NOT TO BE ADVISED) was the best
thing I ever did for me, it showed I was still in there and still had my fight.
If something isn’t working (as things so rarely do), I back myself to get
things going again.
16. Sass- I have
one man to thank for this, Sam Burnard (known to me as sasquatch). He is the
best friend who inadvertently taught me to once again be grumpy, angry and ‘sassy’
when necessary. He encourages it all and wont allow me to feel guilty for not
being ‘angelic’.
17. Fitness-I am
the strongest and fittest I have ever been. I am learning to fuel my body like
an athlete. I am learning what I need. I am proud of my ability to run, lift,
box, surf. I am proud of all of this and proud of the amazing, strong, body
positive people I meet along the way.
18. Curves- It
is ironic, people think we starve ourselves for beauty or to appear ‘sexy’,
they thought I wanted to look like a Victoria’s Secret Model. I didn’t look
like a Victoria’s secret model then, and I don’t now. I have curves, curves
which I don’t always love, but which some days, I am okay with. Curves which
people tell me are beautiful. My body is mine, not anorexia’s, and that alone
is something to celebrate.
19. Strength- I am
proud to call myself a strong woman. I do not regret what happened to me or how
unwell I got. I believe it was my way of resetting and giving myself a second
chance. I had to learn to find a voice and a way to tell people ‘that’s not
okay’ that wasn’t starving myself or hating my body. I’m still learning and
building myself, with a lot of help from those around me, but one thing I know
is that if I had the strength to eat all the food it took me to get to where I
am, the strength to step on all those scales and the strength to fight for my
life for all I’m worth, then I am a strong woman. And I’m happy to say that.
Anorexia taught me many things, and leaving it behind was the best thing I
could have done.
20. Identity-
When you get diagnosed with anorexia, people refer to you as ‘anorexic’, they
make it your identity. When my mother got breast cancer, I didn’t refer to her
as ‘canceric’. Everything I did had a link to my eating disorder, I was Maya,
the anorexic one. My friends fought hard to help me keep individual identity,
still talking to me about things they knew I’d be interested in, the truth is,
in the grips of severe anorexia, I was engulfed. The obsession with shrinking
into nothingness was so strong that it did become my identity. Now, I am Maya
who is an actor, fitness freak, annoyance, sister, aunt, daughter, panicker, kind,
model, Instagram-wanker, cook, blogger and recovery warrior. Along with MANY
other titles and facets, and I’m okay with that. I am no longer one of a pair,
I have my moments of self doubt, they happen a lot in fact, I have moments when
I look in the mirror and hate what I see, times when I feel my body and want to
cry, but I also have moments filled with so much more. If you are clinging on
to anorexia and think you can lead a normal life, I’m sorry honey, you are
wrong. You can’t have both. Anorexia numbs it all, the good and the bad. And
without both, life wouldn’t be the wonderful mess that it is. Stop measuring
yourself in kilos and pounds and start counting the things that really matter.
